The "Kind" Words of Women?

I was responding to some replies to a post I wrote and realized I had a lot to say on this subject and figured this would be as good a forum as any.  I don't even know how many people will read this but maybe it will help me sort through it a bit.

Women.  I'm so glad to be part of this group for so many reasons and a teensy tiny bit ashamed for others. Women are very influencial in the lives of one another.  We can use that in a positive manner to build each other up or in a negative way to tear each other down.  With any spectrum there are extremes but mostly gray area. Some women are just plain nasty and want you to feel like dirt and others blow so much smoke you don't know what is true and what is being say to appear to be a great person.  I reside in the gray area along with my friends and family.  I think the gray area exsists for the sake of what could be considered healthy self-preservation.  I truly love my real friends and my family.  I cannot think of people I would work harder to protect than those I love.  I love some of them even though they may not "deserve" it but hey God loves me and I don't deserve it with all the terrible things I've thought and done.  Most of my sins lie in my thought life (another post for another day) so not everyone knows them but God does and he loves me anyway.

I think the gray area with most of the women I know and love is more to the side of truly having good hearts but feeling threatened by the success of another.  Let me think of a few fictitious examples.  "Sarah is looking amazing with her new weightloss!" Until Sarah is skinnier than me then its "That girl is too skinny she looks sick!  She must not enjoy anything.  I mean...I'm not going to live my life without the joy of Oreos.  She is obviously in the gym way too much and must neglect her family"  Sarah is doing the same things before and after but now the woman feels threatened because Sarah is skinnier therefore "better".  Of course weight is not an issue for all.  Here is another one. "Mollie always does such a great job decorating her cute little house.  It looks so sweet!"  Then Mollie moves into a bigger "better" home. "Wow, I wonder how much debt they had to go into for that house.  And she thinks she perfect having the perfect decor.  She's obviously compensating for some shortfall.  I wonder what it is.  Maybe her husband is cheating and feels guilty so he bought her this house."  Obviously a bit of an exaggeration but the sad thing is I've heard women say ridiculous things to justify why that women is now "better".  Why can't they just be happy for them.  Sure I would love to own my own home but that doesn't make me hate all my friends and family that do.  I'm not thrilled with my own body but I don't hate women who are physically fit.

The last section was the more secretive gossipy type of coping mechanism.  Here is my favorite.  Not really my favorite but one of two that affect me the most.  The backhanded compliment.  Some women are pros here.  You will recognize it the second you hear these words:  "You're so lucky..."  You the know the compliments right?  "You're so lucky...you don't have any boobs so you can wear any shirt you want!"  "You're so lucky you have a tiny house because you don't have to work as hard to clean it".  You're so lucky you don't have kids because you can spend money on frivolous things and you don't have any real purpose in life!"  Okay I threw that last one in there to show you that the first part is what is said and the second part is what I hear. 

The person who fed these to me in my younger days has apologized but for the sake of my purposes here I will tell you what was said to give a little insight into why I feel the way I do about my physical appearance.  So here is the tape that unfortunately still runs through my head.  "You are so lucky you don't have a butt because you can wear whatever jeans you want.  When are you going to take care of that unibrow? and you should really let someone wax that mustache!  Your eyes are huge!  They are like so-and-so's(mind you they often say so-and-so has bugeyes) What...do you spend your whole life in the gym?  I wonder why you don't have an upper lip.  I wonder when you will get your "woman's body" (mind you according to measurements I still haven't gotten it).  You are so lucky you aren't having kids because you can be selfish.  Its okay that you are gaining weight. You are thirty...it's supposed to happen (but I'm at my unhealthiest right now with Cholesterol of 236!)  One of my favorites...You could be really pretty if you would wear some makeup!

The reason I don't hate all women is because I know that they rarely even realize what they are doing. Its an automatic self preservation technique.  I feel bad because of this person so I'll make the playing field a little more even.  Women!!!! don't do this!  Encourage one another.  Maybe the playing field is already even and you just don't realize it.  Maybe the girl you think feels superior just dresses up and wears the makeup so that you don't see that she is about to fall apart from all the things that have been said to her to even that same playing field.

Don't be happy when someone fails.  Do not be happy that now I'm the average weight of a woman in their thirties.  Encourage me to eat healthier and exercise, not to get my weight down, but to get my cholesterol down so I don't die of a heart attack early on.  If a women seems to do everything well think about the fact that maybe she is trying to validate herself in your eyes because you have made her feel puny.  Encourage her in her endeavors.  If you wouldn't like someone to say something to you don't say it to someone else.  Those so-called perfect women are many times just trying to mask insecurity so that other women don't smell the blood in the water!  When I start to feel a little catty in my own head I ask myself why.  If it is because I'm jealous maybe I should compliment that girl on whatever it is that she is doing so well! 

I guess my last thing that hurts me the most is just plain being ignored.  Women crave acceptance and relationship.  One of the worst things that someone can do to me is ignore me.  If I'm left out I feel as though I'm not even worth the effort on the part of others.  That may be even more hurtful than words and again I don't thing many women realize they are doing it.  They think if I don't have anything nice to say maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.  That's just Crapola!  If you don't have anything nice to say you should examine your heart and find out why its so ugly in there!

So in closing I say go ahead and live in the gray area but on the nicer side of the gray and spend the energy you use tearing each other down on improving yourself so you won't want to.  A truly kind word can go a long way in repairing damage caused by a hurtful word.

Best Fondant Ever!

Okay so I tried this recipe and it is so easy and convenient.  I happen to like the taste but if you don't like either Marshmallows or Powdered Sugar you won't like the taste of this either.  Any of my personal suggestions are comments will be in Blue.  It didn't say how much this covers but after I made it and played around I think it will cover one average size double layer cake as well as have enough for some cutout decorations.  It changed color very easily with concentrated gel color.  Clean up was really easy also.  The hot water melts the sugar so easily! 

I rolled it out and put it over an odd shaped object just to see if it would smooth easily and it did.  I also made various objects and it formed very easily.  I LOVE THIS RECIPE!

This will be far cheaper than buying the premade stuff.  Marshmallows are around a dollar. Powdered Sugar doesn't cost that much either.  The Crisco wasn't expensive and you can make quite a few batches with it. I think when it is all said and done it well be less than $4 a batch.

Marshmallow Fondant

- 16 Ounces white mini marshmallows
- 2-5 Tablespoons of water (always start with 2)
-2lbs Powdered sugar.
-Crisco Shortening (You will be digging into it so place in a very easily accessed bowl.)

1. Melt the marshmallows and 2 tablespoons of water in a microwave or double boiler (I used a double boiler.  Make sure it is large enough to hold marshmallows and then to pour 3/4 of sugar in) If microwaving: Put the bowl in the microwave for 30 seconds, open microwave and stir.  back in microwave for 30 seconds more, and repeat until melted. Usually takes around 2 1/2 minutes

2.  Place 3/4 of the powdered sugar on the top of the melted marshmallow mix.

3. Grease your hands GENEROUSLY - palms, backs and between fingers, then heavily grease the surface where you will be pouring the marshmallow mixture.

4.  Start kneading like you would bread dough (I found with the double boiler that the mixture was not too  hot to handle. I cannot speak for the microwave method) You will see why you needed to grease the surface.  (I got a little scared at this point because it was so sticky but it will come together!)

5.  Keep kneading, this is very sticky at this stage! Add the rest of the powdered sugar and knead some more.

6. Re-grease your hands and counter when the fondant is sticking.  If the mix is tearing easily it is too dry so add water (about 1/2 tablespoon at a time then knead it in).  It usually takes about 8 minutes to get a firm smooth elastic ball so that it will stretch without tearing when applied to the cake.

7. It is best if you can let it sit, double wrapped, overnight (but it can be used right away if there are no bits of dry powdered sugar) (I found that adding the powdered sugar gradually after the first 3/4 prevents the bits of sugar)  If you do see them, you will need to knead and maybe add a few more drops of water.

8. Prepare the fondant for storing by coating it with a good layer of Crisco shortening, wrap in plastic wrap and then in a zip top bag.  Squeeze out as much air as possible.

9. Marshmallow Fondant will hold very well in the refrigerator for weeks.

I didn't want to post pics because I practiced with things I will be using on my mom's b-day cake and I don't want her to see it but I will post pics on facebook when I make her cake!  I saved a bunch aside for Dave to play with so I may post some pics of that too!

Bullying

Something has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  We recently had a division within our extended family over the subject of bullying.  The disagreement started when my sister said that she thought that all victims of bullying should be recognized as opposed to only homosexual victims.  I am in full support of my sister’s view.  I don’t believe bullying is okay if someone is gay, straight, overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, or as in my case someone with a mental illness.  I truly believe that ultimately we all have that same thought in mind and I’m sad that a misunderstanding may have caused such a huge division in a family that has been close over the years.

One of the people posting made a point that statistically homosexual victims of bullying are more likely to commit suicide.  I do not feel that it matters who is more likely to commit suicide.  If one person feels death is better than the hell inflicted on them at the hands of another it is wrong and an enormous tragedy.  I know for me I was bullied in more than one way over a number of years and more than once I thought it would be better to just end it all than try to cope with it anymore.  I was verbally bullied to my face and I had vicious rumors spread about me.  I had mean tricks done to me.  I had things done to my home and my car.  I was made fun of because some of my clothes were homemade because we didn’t have the money to buy a large wardrobe.  I was made fun of because I wore glasses and braces. I was made fun of because I developed breasts before the other girls and as I said before I was basically tortured for being mentally ill.  I was told by someone very pointedly that nobody liked me and that in fact I was hated by most.  I was even hospitalized in high school because the bullying made me want to kill myself.  I ended up having to take 2 weeks off of school just to recover and get any kind of drive to go back.  The school did not feel they needed to do anything and my mother pursued it endlessly even up until graduation.  The sad thing is that the bullying did not end in high school.  Bullies find something they consider a weakness in someone and sink in their claws.  In recent days this “weakness” is someone’s insecurity over their sexual orientation.  Do I have less compassion because they are homosexual?  NO.  Do I believe they should be excluded from my prayers? NO.  I only ask that they do not exclude those of us who have been or are being bullied for other reasons.  I don’t believe I should be excluded because I am straight or because I have a mental illness.  I don’t believe my niece should be excluded because she is straight or because she is young and people say “that’s just how kids are”.

In the case of my niece, her bully was being bullied by his own father and his mother was so focused on appearances that she ignored her son’s problems because it might reflect poorly on her as a mother.  There is a reason bullies focus on those they consider weak.  They are overcompensating for something they consider to be a weakness in themselves.   I do think that there are homophobic people bullying homosexuals.  I believe there are people who are abused by someone that feel the need to take that out on someone else.

I love my family.  I have gay and lesbian cousins and uncles and I love them all.  I also do not for one second believe that God is sitting up there saying that bullying is okay if they are homosexuals.  I think God’s heart is broken by hatred which is where bullying is derived.  There is nothing good or noble about making someone feel worthless.  I know the intense feelings that the bullied person feels.  I understand how it feels when it is relentless.  I know what it’s like to want to end it and I know what it is like to carry the insecurities with me throughout life.  It is a constant battle for me to see myself as God sees me and not as my bullies wanted me to see myself.

I truly hope one day that my family sees that all my sister wanted was recognition for all of us that are bullied.  EVERYONE.  She has seen two people very close to her want to die because of bullying.  I believe that God loves us and cares for us even if we are the only person on the earth with a particular problem. He does not only love and care for us if we are part of a statistical majority and I believe we need to do the same. 

I also believe that when someone has a strong view it is harder to see the whole picture.  I believe we can say things that may not be appropriate that can hurt our overall intentions.  I think this has happened on both sides of this debate.  I know my sister wishes she would have made her point in a calmer matter but with the same intent.  I know my cousin believes so strongly in her point that she felt my sister’s comments were directed strictly at homosexual victims of bullying.  I think we all need to look at our own views and look fairly at the views of others even if we do not agree.  When we know the issues close to our hearts we need to act on them.  I make it very clear to others what I have been through and have had the opportunity to counsel others going through the same situation.  I have stood up to bullies now that I am a stronger person.  One of my bullies said I should thank him because he helped make me strong.  I very STRONGLY told him that he in no way made me strong.  I am only strong through the Lord.  Speaking out is good!  Action is GREAT!

Let me say too that many of my bullies have since apologized and truly had no idea the impact their words and actions had.  I had forgiven them long before they apologized which is what made me stronger.  None of us are perfect.  We all have had harsh words for someone else.  I think about that when someone hurts me now.  I think about how I have hurt someone else most of the time unintentionally and even sometimes intentionally.  I make sure I apologize for the wrongs I’ve done and forgive those that hurt me whether they care or not. 

If nothing else some of you are getting a view into what has made me the person I am today.  I know when I was working at the nursing home people made the comment all the time at how bubbly I am and how happy I seemed all the time.  No one would have believed the things I went through and the anxiety and depression I still deal with as a result of both my mental illness and the bullying.  I can only have that joy in the Lord.  If I didn’t have Him I’d be dead by now and I believe that whole heartedly.  I guess that is part of why I’m sad that something that should unite us (our stand against bullying) has caused a division.  I hope this can be changed.