The "Kind" Words of Women?

I was responding to some replies to a post I wrote and realized I had a lot to say on this subject and figured this would be as good a forum as any.  I don't even know how many people will read this but maybe it will help me sort through it a bit.

Women.  I'm so glad to be part of this group for so many reasons and a teensy tiny bit ashamed for others. Women are very influencial in the lives of one another.  We can use that in a positive manner to build each other up or in a negative way to tear each other down.  With any spectrum there are extremes but mostly gray area. Some women are just plain nasty and want you to feel like dirt and others blow so much smoke you don't know what is true and what is being say to appear to be a great person.  I reside in the gray area along with my friends and family.  I think the gray area exsists for the sake of what could be considered healthy self-preservation.  I truly love my real friends and my family.  I cannot think of people I would work harder to protect than those I love.  I love some of them even though they may not "deserve" it but hey God loves me and I don't deserve it with all the terrible things I've thought and done.  Most of my sins lie in my thought life (another post for another day) so not everyone knows them but God does and he loves me anyway.

I think the gray area with most of the women I know and love is more to the side of truly having good hearts but feeling threatened by the success of another.  Let me think of a few fictitious examples.  "Sarah is looking amazing with her new weightloss!" Until Sarah is skinnier than me then its "That girl is too skinny she looks sick!  She must not enjoy anything.  I mean...I'm not going to live my life without the joy of Oreos.  She is obviously in the gym way too much and must neglect her family"  Sarah is doing the same things before and after but now the woman feels threatened because Sarah is skinnier therefore "better".  Of course weight is not an issue for all.  Here is another one. "Mollie always does such a great job decorating her cute little house.  It looks so sweet!"  Then Mollie moves into a bigger "better" home. "Wow, I wonder how much debt they had to go into for that house.  And she thinks she perfect having the perfect decor.  She's obviously compensating for some shortfall.  I wonder what it is.  Maybe her husband is cheating and feels guilty so he bought her this house."  Obviously a bit of an exaggeration but the sad thing is I've heard women say ridiculous things to justify why that women is now "better".  Why can't they just be happy for them.  Sure I would love to own my own home but that doesn't make me hate all my friends and family that do.  I'm not thrilled with my own body but I don't hate women who are physically fit.

The last section was the more secretive gossipy type of coping mechanism.  Here is my favorite.  Not really my favorite but one of two that affect me the most.  The backhanded compliment.  Some women are pros here.  You will recognize it the second you hear these words:  "You're so lucky..."  You the know the compliments right?  "You're so lucky...you don't have any boobs so you can wear any shirt you want!"  "You're so lucky you have a tiny house because you don't have to work as hard to clean it".  You're so lucky you don't have kids because you can spend money on frivolous things and you don't have any real purpose in life!"  Okay I threw that last one in there to show you that the first part is what is said and the second part is what I hear. 

The person who fed these to me in my younger days has apologized but for the sake of my purposes here I will tell you what was said to give a little insight into why I feel the way I do about my physical appearance.  So here is the tape that unfortunately still runs through my head.  "You are so lucky you don't have a butt because you can wear whatever jeans you want.  When are you going to take care of that unibrow? and you should really let someone wax that mustache!  Your eyes are huge!  They are like so-and-so's(mind you they often say so-and-so has bugeyes) What...do you spend your whole life in the gym?  I wonder why you don't have an upper lip.  I wonder when you will get your "woman's body" (mind you according to measurements I still haven't gotten it).  You are so lucky you aren't having kids because you can be selfish.  Its okay that you are gaining weight. You are thirty...it's supposed to happen (but I'm at my unhealthiest right now with Cholesterol of 236!)  One of my favorites...You could be really pretty if you would wear some makeup!

The reason I don't hate all women is because I know that they rarely even realize what they are doing. Its an automatic self preservation technique.  I feel bad because of this person so I'll make the playing field a little more even.  Women!!!! don't do this!  Encourage one another.  Maybe the playing field is already even and you just don't realize it.  Maybe the girl you think feels superior just dresses up and wears the makeup so that you don't see that she is about to fall apart from all the things that have been said to her to even that same playing field.

Don't be happy when someone fails.  Do not be happy that now I'm the average weight of a woman in their thirties.  Encourage me to eat healthier and exercise, not to get my weight down, but to get my cholesterol down so I don't die of a heart attack early on.  If a women seems to do everything well think about the fact that maybe she is trying to validate herself in your eyes because you have made her feel puny.  Encourage her in her endeavors.  If you wouldn't like someone to say something to you don't say it to someone else.  Those so-called perfect women are many times just trying to mask insecurity so that other women don't smell the blood in the water!  When I start to feel a little catty in my own head I ask myself why.  If it is because I'm jealous maybe I should compliment that girl on whatever it is that she is doing so well! 

I guess my last thing that hurts me the most is just plain being ignored.  Women crave acceptance and relationship.  One of the worst things that someone can do to me is ignore me.  If I'm left out I feel as though I'm not even worth the effort on the part of others.  That may be even more hurtful than words and again I don't thing many women realize they are doing it.  They think if I don't have anything nice to say maybe I shouldn't say anything at all.  That's just Crapola!  If you don't have anything nice to say you should examine your heart and find out why its so ugly in there!

So in closing I say go ahead and live in the gray area but on the nicer side of the gray and spend the energy you use tearing each other down on improving yourself so you won't want to.  A truly kind word can go a long way in repairing damage caused by a hurtful word.